Azu-chan's Mind

my life has been in turmoil. Im getting divorced for the second time. because i am a jackass this time. ive been spending my whole life running away, well from towards the end of my 18th year. and in the end all its done is ruin my life. also to anyone who reads this post, there are still those i dont want to know, so i beg of you please do not explain anything to my parents or family, or retell this to them. i’ve been running from an incident when i was 18 and the resulting issues that comes with it. this is something that aside from the necessary people involved no one on this planet knows. well until now. towards the end of my 18th year on this planet i was going through my first divorce, that wife was already back in ohio with my son. I was out and about in california outside the base i was stationed at at the time when everything went black. the events that took place between that and me regaining consciousness is still lost to me. i awoke about 3 days later in the hospital there. tubes and IVs stuck in me, oxygen mask the whole 9 yards of it. originally the docs thought it was something like dehydration or something like that. however in the following weeks following that i went through a very rigorous series of tests to find the cause. at the end of the tests they discovered that the cause was due to muscle deterioration caused by a disease that typically forms in the elderly, but in rare cases does affect the younger. it is called Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis or ALS. for those of you without a medical brain this is a disease more commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. the average lifespan for someone like this is an average of 5 years. so hear i am at 18 being told that i am not expected to live past 23. picture that. 18 years old, the start of your adult life being told that your not gonna live past 5 years. so since then i’ve been running away from it. i tried to do everything i could to ignore that i was to die by 23. and i let that get in the way of everything in my life. because when i turned 20 i met my second wife. the person i should have spent forever with, but within a short amount of time my instinct to run away took over. we did eventually get married, but not after i hurt her way to much, and sadly after we got married i didnt stop. now before you take this the wrong way i never beat her if thats what your thinking, most i ever did like that was naughty things during sex which will remain untold. i began to feel that what should have been the last years of my life was being wasted, so i turned to relationships online, and had a lot of cyber sex. i never once physically cheated on her (whats the point in lying about something like that now) however i know that what i did was a form of cheating. now obviously i have survived past the doctors projections on when i’d die. as i will be 28 this coming june. but living past it didnt change anything in my behavior until it was too late, because well, i dont know when i’ll die. i could theoretically die with in the week. now because of all this that i had done for the fear of not experiencing life to what i had misinterpreted as living, i’ve lost the one woman i love more than anything in this world. the woman i want to spend the rest of my life together with, no matter how short or long it may be. now i know nothing i have explained here will not change anything what-so-ever, i just felt like she should know everything. my last and only true secret. please forgive me my love, in my haste to life, i caused myself to die where it mattered most. you will forever be the love of my life, no matter how far away you are, and no matter the fact that i may never, and will probably never have you back. please take care of yourself Fuf. your my everything, the reason i’m alive today. you saved me, something i’ve told you over and over, but never truly explained or appreciated the right way until it was way to late.